A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bob Dylan. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You are not Michelangelo, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 57 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. The number 76 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you wear orange on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Avoid the number 34 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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