Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Arthur Ashe, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something about the number 9 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Should you wear yellow on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Rick Santorum will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Lewis Carrol, You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles John Candy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A man connected with the number 31 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 3. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th August 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

[?2004h