On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Arthur Ashe, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something about the number 9 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Should you wear yellow on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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