A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Rick Santorum will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Lewis Carrol, You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles John Candy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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