This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A man connected with the number 31 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 3. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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