Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Thursday, the color black, the number 83 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Take extra special care on Monday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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