Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like James Dean, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jim Carrey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Andy Rooney and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A man connected with the number 72 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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