A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Danny Glover will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The number 74 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Roy Rogers, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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