Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Ray Charles driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Paul McCartney, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A pretty young woman connected to the number 58 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Dan Rather in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Neil Diamond, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Miles Davis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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