Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Something about the number 52 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charles Yeager. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The number 96 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Robin Williams will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you see anybody this week who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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