Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Herman Cain. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 10 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Steve Martin, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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