A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Hank Aaron, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Something about the number 57 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Saturday night you will dream of being Gandhi. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dave Letterman. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
[?2004h
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