Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. In a parallel universe you were born as Mahatma Gandhi. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You are not Paul Harvey, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 28 feet, but no more than a mile. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Dan Aykroyd. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 70, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Michael J. Jordan will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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