Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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