Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The number 32 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Try relaxing on Saturday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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