Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st April 204

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The number 20 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Should you wear purple on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. In a parallel universe you were born as Ross Perot. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Liberace then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th March 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Something about the number 10 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 75, the color black and someone who has a connection to Isaac Newton will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th March 2024

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A man connected with the number 99 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Martin Luther King. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Roy Rogers. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Should you wear black on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th March 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 28. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th March 2024

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Meryl Streep in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 10 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h