A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Meryl Streep in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 10 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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