The number 20 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you wear purple on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. In a parallel universe you were born as Ross Perot. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Liberace then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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