Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 28. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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