Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 23 feet, but no more than a mile. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Tiger Woods. Does this matter? Only time will tell. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigmund Freud in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. On Sunday night you will dream of being Walter Cronkite. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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