You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Charlie Brown and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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