You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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