Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like George Clooney, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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