A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Michael Jackson. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Thomas Jefferson will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 14 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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