Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Avoid the number 20 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You have dandruff, do something about it!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. The number 87 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 56, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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