Sunday, February 1, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st February 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A man connected with the number 54 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarterpounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

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