December 2nd - February 19th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Avoid the number 56 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
The number 45 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug
July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 8 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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