Sunday, February 15, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th February 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 7 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

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