Sunday, March 15, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

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