Sunday, March 22, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A man connected with the number 62 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 66 feet, but no more than a mile. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You will be followed by a strange smell everywhere you go this week. That smell is you...take a bath! There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

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