December 2nd - February 19th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug
July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Avoid the kung po chicken.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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