Sunday, August 23, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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