Sunday, August 2, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

The number 39 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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