Sunday, August 9, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Avoid the number 95 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a long as I pass out the other end". Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. The number 94 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

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