Sunday, December 20, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st December 2009

December 2nd - February 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

February 20th - March 9th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

March 10th - May 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Everett Koop. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

May 2nd - June 2nd

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You are not Frank Lloyd Wright, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

June 3rd - July 25th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

July 27th - August 19th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

August 20th - October 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Julia Child. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Something about the number 36 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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