Sunday, December 13, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th December 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 52 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug
July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing will happen to you though. In a parallel universe you were born as Dan Rather. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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