Sunday, February 7, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th February 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Helen Keller. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

March 10th - May 1st

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Monday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

May 2nd - June 2nd

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

June 3rd - July 25th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility idiot.

July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Take extra special care on Monday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

August 20th - October 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The number 53 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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