Sunday, February 21, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd February 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Louis Pasteur in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! On Sunday, the number 78 will signify bad news...really bad news. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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