Sunday, June 6, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th June 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Sigourney Weaver. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 25 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. The number 87 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 94 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Thomas Edison at all.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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