Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th February 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 33 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 15 feet, but no more than a mile. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.