Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 66, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you see anybody this week who looks like Willey Mays, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Walter Cronkite a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.