Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You would rather stick a knife in
your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Neil Diamond, On Monday, the color green, the number 87 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like John Lennon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Avoid the number 89 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.