Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 21 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mark Twain, This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are not Hank Aaron, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Helen Keller, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.