Monday, October 22, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 62, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Thomas Jefferson will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Robin Williams driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Dick Van Dyke then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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