Sunday, October 14, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you see anybody this week who looks like Miley Cyrus, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Lucille Ball driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

No comments: