Monday, October 29, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 17, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Margaret Thatcher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 72 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like George Carlin will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black You are not Marilyn Vos Savant, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

On Tuesday, the number 58 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 25 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Dan Rather a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

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