Sunday, January 20, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st January 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 43 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 98 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Alexander Graham Bell, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 53. The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 82, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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