Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Frank Lloyd Wright and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A pretty young woman connected to the number 80 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Helen Keller driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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