Monday, October 28, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Lewis Carrol and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You are not Pelé, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Susan B. Anthony in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

No comments: