Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th January 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. A pretty young woman connected to the number 15 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.