Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st February 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Weird Al Yankovick in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 51. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.