Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th January 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 73 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Friday, the color white, the number 85 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.