Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd May 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you see anybody this week who looks like Thomas Edison, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 61, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Bob Newhart and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. In a parallel universe you were born as Mohammad Ali. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Plato, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.