Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd May 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Neil Diamond, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.